Schrödinger's Okama in Kabuki cho
by explodreamer
Summary: Place two idiotic okama in a locked room and what do you get? Either dead or alive... or busy with something else! Yaoi. Gintoki x Katsura


WARNING! YAOI, SMUT! Amateur work!

Pairing: Paako X Zurako (Ok, I'm joking. It's Gintoki X Katsura)

References: Wiki Tsundere if you're not sure what it's about. It's not very critical in this fic though.

A/N: Written for a fanfiction contest. I hope it's funny and nice for readers who read this. Please R&R and let me know!  
(PS: I haven't written for quite some time and I believe some of my bad habits are back again. Oops.)

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A loud growl rang out in the darkness. Katsura Kotaro clicked his tongue irritatedly.

"What?" Sakata Gintoki asked offendedly.

"Nothing."

Gintoki's voice rose gradually. "What do you mean 'nothing'? I know you're irritated. I know you're upset. Did you think I wasn't irritated? That I wasn't upset with this situation? That I wasn't hungry _like you_?"

"I'm hungry, Paako."

"Shut up, Zura."

"It's not Zura, it's Zurako."

There was a momentary silence before the two of them spoke at the same time.

"It's your fault," the two voices announced annoyingly in sync. The two men glared at each other upon hearing it. That is, if they can see each other clearly in the dark.

"It's not my fault that we're locked in the basement," Gintoki started with a high pitch.

"Well, it's not me who punched the lights out of that pervert," Katsura pointed out sharply.

"Well, it's your fault that you were wriggling right in front of me like some adolescent girl on her first summer visit to the public swimming complex with her boyfriend!"

"It's not like I asked for someone to touch my ass and say 'Nice butt!'" Katsura snapped defensively.

"It's not my fault that you had to sit there, dressed like a woman and serving drinks to weird old men who come to laugh at okama!"

"It's not my fault that I was dragged here by force by that monster!"

There was another short silence as Katsura huffed in anger.

"Oh yes, it is. You brought this upon yourself," Gintoki simply said.

Katsura made a guilty sound. But he argued back indignantly, "So did you."

Gintoki's stomach replied with a growl. A faint light flowed into the basement through the space at the bottom of the door. The two men sat next to each other, facing the locked door.

"I think I smell nmaibou," Katsura said quietly.

"That's impossible, idiot. And if you can smell it from afar, it must be something that is really disgusting. Like natto."

"It's not disgusting. It is dietary food," Katsura countered and crawled towards the door while his friend mumbled quietly, "What do you need dietary food for?"

"Oh... Gintoki, I smell beef. It's gyuudon!" Katsura exclaimed as he pushed his face closer to the space.

Gintoki frowned at the loss of light. "I thought you said there was nmaibou?"

"It is nmaibou! It's gyuudon flavored!"

"What's a gyuudon flavored nmaibou anyway? I've never heard of such a flavor, idiot. Don't say it like it is some new dish at the neighborhood soba restaurant," Gintoki countered at the ridiculous comment.

Gintoki's eyes squinted uncomfortably at the light that seemed to flash at him constantly as Katsura shifted for a comfortable position for his nose. Finally, the natural perm couldn't withstand the torture and crawled towards the door. He raised his hand and gave a loud bright slap on his friend's butt.

"What'd you do that for?" Katsura hissed and turned away from the light to face him.

"Stop waving your ass like that. Get away from the door! You're making it even more difficult to look around in the basement when you're blocking out the light like that," Gintoki scolded the jouishishi sternly. "It's because you're like that and that's why the perverted old men out there wants a piece of you."

Katsura made an angry sound and kicked hard in the direction where Gintoki's voice rang out. It was a bull's eye as the natural perm moaned and crouched over at the door, his arching shadow reflected faintly across the small basement. "Paako, the old men want you more than me. It's because you were seducing them with your tsundere attitude." Katsura replied coldly. "You should have worn a mini skirt and served them drinks as a waitress. They'd love to touch your ass." He gasped in surprise when strong hands pushed him against the door with a loud thump. Gintoki's hot breath breathed down on his face.

"Zura, don't you know that you've been very feminine all the while from way back when we were kids?" Gintoki took a small handful of Katsura's hair. "The way you touch and manage your hair obsessively was like you were inviting the boys to your bed." Katsura gave another kick but missed. There was a silent scuffle for a while until when Gintoki realized that he had his hand in between his friend's legs. Both men seemed surprised at how the events had unfolded and stayed in that position frigidly, breathing heavily.

Finally, Gintoki broke the ice. "I bet you'd like it if a man gave you a handjob," he stuttered challengingly. His heart skipped a beat when he felt Katsura moved in closer, fumbled through his yukata and found his way between his legs. "I bet you'd come so fast because a man is giving you a handjob," Katsura replied and closed his fingers on the bulging shape against the natural perm's lacy panties. "Seems that the monster made you wear this too," he mumbled and fidgeted uncomfortably as Gintoki groped around clumsily in the dark, feeling along the familiar lace patterns.

"It-it's not too late if you want to forfeit now, you know."

"You don't sound confident, do you? Paako."

"Why you…"

They fumbled with each other's panties at the same time as if it was a rehearsed act. Gintoki lifted one of Katsura's legs so that he rolled down the lacy thin material and left it dangling on the other leg. Katsura pulled down Gintoki's panties roughly so that it was halfway down at his thighs. The natural perm started first, stroking rhythmically, pumping the shaft of Katsura's throbbing member. His thumb swept across the slit, spreading pre cum around the head. Gintoki massaged the head and paused occasionally, giving it a little squeeze. Katsura mewed in response unwittingly and inched back as much as he could against the door.

"Oi, oi, isn't that against the rules?" Gintoki grunted when he felt a tug at the base of his member. Katsura's pace was hasty, each of his strokes short and quick. He touched the natural perm's sack, playing with it in his palm as though weighing it with his sense of touch.

"What are you talking about? There are no rules to start with," Katsura replied stubbornly. He could feel the member becoming harder gradually but he knew well that he was definitely more aroused than the culprit in front of him. "Zura, are you actually a virgin?" Gintoki taunted, moving in even closer so that now he was in between Katsura's spread open legs.

"Wha-? Stop moving around like that, idiot! It's squeezy! Wait, what are you-!" Katsura gasped as the natural perm moved in awkwardly. Gintoki's erection was next to his own member and the natural perm moved, rubbing the two erections against each other. "Ah… ah! Th-this is against the rules!"

Gintoki put a hand against the door for support, moving his hips steadily. "What the hell are you talking about, Zura? There's no such thing as rules to begin with," he replied vengefully. He mixed both of their pre cum together and stroked both members together in one hand. Katsura breathed with excitement boiling in his stomach, his hands lay next to him, long forgotten of its task. He shivered at every brush and wonderful sensation as the two erections burned hot and hard, as though they were melting down into each other in the heat. He reached out with a grunt and yanked at Gintoki's ponytail.

"Oww oww oww owwwww! What the f-mphhhh!"

Katsura slipped in his tongue and kissed the natural perm deeply. He threw his tongue around recklessly in a bid to be as aggressive as Gintoki. Gintoki tried to speak but Katsura held his head still and continued kissed clumsily.

Finally, he stopped when he felt something wet and warm lubricating his entrance dangerously. He heard an audible smirk from the natural perm in the dark and protested loudly, "Wa-wait, Paako, calm down. This is going a little too far. This is definitely going over the line. This is… argh! no…" Katsura whined painfully as the warm and thick member drove in to fill him up quickly. He tried to wriggle out of the way and squeezed hard to deny entry.

"Stop struggling, Zura. You're so tight that it's almost hurting," Gintoki grunted as he began to rock slowly.

"Th-this is… cheat-mmfff!" Gintoki cut off the man and kissed him wantonly. His tongue swirled in Katsura's mouth skillfully. Katsura panted as Gintoki sucked on his tongue and nibbled his lips gently. He was burning from within as Gintoki's member grew bigger and harder, twitching and knocking against him. His moans escalated as at the natural perm picked up his pace and rocked against him faster and deeper, hitting that right spot within him continuously. "Paa… Gintoki!" he cried, slapping the floor with his palm like a fallen judo practicer. "That's enough! I for-ah!..feit… nnnnh… listen to me…"

The natural perm stubbornly ignored the pleading man beneath him and moved even faster. He enjoyed the friction against the soft warm inner walls and each tight spasm felt as if Katsura was trying to milk him, leading him closer and closer to his climax. "It's too late… to forfeit now, Zura…" Gintoki heaved as his pace changed to short and quick bursts. He gave quick deep kisses sporadically, stroking Katsura's member at the same time as he rocked against him. "You're feeling it, right…?" Gintoki asked. There was an acknowledging hum amongst Katsura's whines. "I know… I'm going to win the bet… right…?" he prompted again.

"Yeah… Yeah…" Katsura moaned fervently. "I'm losing… losing… Going to… ngh! Come!" Almost immediately, he bucked his hips involuntarily and came, his spurts sending his seeds across his stomach and drenching Gintoki's hand. He lay limp against the door, panting while Gintoki took the opportunity to tilt the jouishishi and pull out until the tip of his erection. He wished badly for bright light so that he could see the state of his former comrade was in. He imagined Katsura's stomach heaving up and down with his come glistening in the light. "Fine... you won," Katsura said squarely. "Just... pull it out. It's over… whoa!"

Gintoki pushed in, wrapping himself fully within the jouishishi again. "Gintoki! I said that's enough! You've made your point!" Katsura reprimanded, kicking his legs wildly. But they were now connected flesh to flesh and each of his movements only ensured that Gintoki got what he wants.

"Zura, don't you know? When you lose a bet, there's a penalty…" Gintoki said ominously.

"What do you mean? … Oh, no, no, no, wa-wait… ah!"

It felt as if the evil cycle repeated itself again as Gintoki thrust into him deeply, this time slower and more passionately. He knew physically there should be more pain than pleasure but his mind kept on focusing on the jolts of pleasure as Gintoki hit the spot accurately every time he thrust deep. He brought his tired hand and pumped himself clumsily and just as he felt his own erection, Gintoki shuddered and came into him, filling him with warm liquid in his burning body. The natural perm panted as he tried to catch his breath, his limp member still inside of Katsura. He laughed uncontrollably and punched his fists into the air.

"Victory!"

"You perverted idiot…" Katsura sighed. "Now pull it out before someone comes…"

The basement door opened suddenly and Katsura fell back onto the main floor of the okama bar with a soft thud. The stream of bright light surprised both men who stayed frozen in that exact position; Katsura with his legs still spread open and connected to Gintoki while the natural perm still had his fists in the air. The okama staff gave huge gasps of shock and old balding customers watched with their eyes popping out when they saw the scene. Mademoiselle Saigou glared at the two men angrily, his eyes shining with a murderous glint.

"Er… this is… It's not what you think it is, right, Zurako?"

"Ye-yeah… we were just er… exercising … you know… since erm… a man's health is proportionate to how much he trains… right, Paako?"

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?" Saigou boomed angrily like an exploding volcano and raised his fists high up in the air, the muscles in his arms throbbing with equal agitation. There were shouts of 'No! You'll kill them!', 'Someone get an ambulance!', 'This place is crazy!' and two horrendous shrills that rang out of the bar and into the long night of Kabuki-cho.

* * *

And as we know, after that, both men were buried to their necks by some alien pet the next day. Haha.

Do R&R! Cheers!


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